STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
