How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
God, I missed his penis.
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