Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
