My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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