If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
