Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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