You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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