all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
