her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
