i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
