tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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