i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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