Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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