You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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