am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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