so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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