then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
