it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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