well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i've created a new STD.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
