I faked an abortion last night.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
