I hate your face
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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