It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
