What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so let's talk penis.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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