Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
