yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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