can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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