I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
