You made me cry and you don't even care
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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