I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All I want is dick and wine.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize