I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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