Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
