Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
