and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
