So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
