if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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