yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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