Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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