The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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