I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
