I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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