Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
