I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
