the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ketchup is God's man juice
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
