I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
