Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
