woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize