At least make sure they are 18
Why
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
