I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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