I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
that may or may not have been my penis.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
