New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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