I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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