just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
