I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
