Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
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I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
