I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
