I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
