Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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