I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
