peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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