so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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