2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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