I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Is it penis luge time yet?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
