The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
