I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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