i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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